Degrassi: Nothing Happens Ever (A Parody)
by antinomian
Summary: From the writer of Degrassi: The Boring Point comes a new parody, starting with the atrocity that is season 14 aka: Life Can Change Forever. Expect observations about the plot inconsistencies and out of character behavior. This is an affectionate fan-based parody. I don't own Degrassi because if I did, Cam and Adam wouldn't be dead. Please um...support the official release.
1. Eli's a Hipster and Clare is Pregnant

A/N: This is the former astralvigilante, author of Degrassi: The Boring Point. I can't access that account anymore, so here we are!

In a dark, cold, slimy, disgusting, filthy, dilapidated, gross, nasty, icky, unpleasant, foggy, and creepy dungeon, the Eli people actually like opened his eyes. He tried to move his hands, but quickly felt the resistance of some very strong ropes. Had he been kidnapped?

From the dark, evil shadows, a male figure slowly emerged. Eli gasped in horror as he looked into the stranger's eyes. They were Eli's eyes. Standing in front of the young, incredibly dramatic hoarding Goth boy who wrote stories about drinking his girlfriend's blood was an identical stranger.

"Who are you?" Eli demanded. "What do you want?"

The stranger snickered. "I'm you," he said.

"No offense, dude," Eli said, observing the boy's shaggy brown hair and socially normative clothing, "but apart from probably being my genetic identical, you look nothing like me."

"That's right," spoke the evil imposter. "I am what you'd look like if you were a two-dimensional hipster enjoying his first semester at NYU. Muahahahaha."

"You go to NYU?" Eli asked. "But you and I are identical, and I'm only sixteen. How can you be old enough to go to NYU?"

The doppelganger threw his head back and laughed. "You fool! Right after the dance where Adam got shot, I kidnapped you and since then, I've been taking your place. It's been almost two years now, and I've been _pretending _to be you, and so far not a single person has figured it out!"

"What have you done?" Eli asked with shock.

"Well, I've given your friends a few pieces of quirky advice," the clone recalled, "gotten high with the guy Clare got with after she broke your heart. Made some terrible movies while I was high and tried to use them to get into film school. You know. The usual."

"High?" Eli asked with disgust. "You mean like on marijuana? Because I'd never do marijuana. If I were going to try an illegal substance, I'd definitely go for absinthe. It helped Edgar Allen Poe create some of his best works."

The poser snickered. "Oh, Eli. You _love _weed! As a matter of fact, the only people who like weed more than you are Jake and Miles Hollingsworth the third."

"Miles who?" Eli asked.

"Think a skinnier, bisexual version of Declan."

"Declan?" Eli asked. "You mean Fiona's brother? The guy who people can't agree on whether he raped someone or not?"

"Yes, exactly!" the evil twin snickered.

"Well, whatever," Eli groaned. "Whoever you are, you're not getting away with this. Clare will _never _believe you're the real Eli Goldsworthy."

"Oh, but she already does! And I've already done the deed with her and cheated on her!"

Eli wasn't impressed. "Are you fucking serious? God, you sound like the reincarnation of Fitz right now."

"How do you know I'm not? Fitz could be a shapeshifter. DID YOU EVER ASK FITZ IF HE WAS A SHAPESHIFTER?"

The thought had never actually occurred to Eli, because he sorta figured Fitz was just your average low-life perverted creep who beat up trans kids and used Jesus to get laid.

Speaking of trans kids, Eli looked to his right where he could hear someone struggling against a piece of mouth tape.

"Adam?" Eli asked. "Adam, what are you doing here?"

The evil Eli clone ripped Adam's tape off. "Well, hello, Adam. How are you feeling after the accident?"

"Like I just won the lottery," Adam said sarcastically. "Why am I tied up in a basement."

"Because, my friend," the doppleganger said. "We faked your death so Drew could hook up with Becky."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Adam said. "There's no way Becky would go for Drew, and Drew's done dating every girl I like just to be a dick."

"Don't be so sure about that," spoke the Eli imposter. "You might be mistaken." Fake Eli rolled in a TV monitor, where he turned on the surveillance he was keeping on the kids at Degrassi. "Check this out," he said cruelly.

On the TV screen, Becky was going for Drew, who was not done dating every girl Adam ever liked just to be a dick.

"Becky," he said, with a dramatic sigh. "You're the last girl I'll ever be able to steal away from my brother." Drew started to tear up. "I don't like dating girls my brother didn't like first! You saw how badly it went with Marisol and Alli."

"Actually, I didn't go here back then, remember?" Becky asked. "I moved here for um…reasons or something. Oh right, isn't my brother on the Ice Hounds?"

Drew shook his head. "No one fucking remembers that shit."

The two teenagers leaned in for a passionate kiss.

_BWADEVVUR_

_AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAH_

_I CAN MAKE IT!_

_WHATEVER IT TAKES!_

_IKNOWICANMAKEITTHROUGH!_

Let's face it. The intro isn't even a real song anymore. You thought that _Boiling Point _intro with all the AH-WOOOs was bad. This is just terrible.

School started, and Clare was pouting in a corner.

"Hey, Clare!" Drew said cheerfully. "You wanna stop pouting in a corner and hang out with the guy you cheated on your boyfriend with for no obviously good reason even though that guy has a girlfriend now who gets jealous really easily?"

"As tempting as that sounds, I suddenly hate you," Clare said sternly.

"Why do you hate me?" Drew asked. "I've never done ANYTHING that would make someone hate me. Not even one thing in my entire life."

Clare rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you're a real stand-up guy and all, but while I had cancer I realized that life is too short to be friends with you."

"Why?" Drew asked. "I'm like the perfect friend!"

"No you're not," Clare said. "The only reason _you're _president and _I'm _vice is because you dropped out of high school to buy yourself another year on the show."

"That's never bothered you before!" Drew said. "Come on! What's the real reason you don't want to talk to me."

"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" Clare shouted.

"Oh shit," Drew said. "Well whatever you do, please don't tell Becky cuz uh, she really just wants an uncomplicated, drama-free relationship with the big brother who didn't stop her dead ex-boyfriend from driving off into the woods in the middle of the night and crashing a stolen van into a tree. If you tell her you're having a baby, shit might get complicated."

"Even if anything you just said made sense, it doesn't matter because I'm having an abortion!" Clare said.

"Oh, great! I'll make spaghetti!" Drew cheered.

"I changed my mind!" Clare announced. "I'm keeping it."

"Dammit Clare," Drew frowned. "I was really looking forward to making spaghetti."

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the school, Becky started handing out flyers for the brand new, totally unlike anything Degrassi has ever done before "power cheer squad."

"Wow," Imogen said cluelessly. "Doesn't Degrassi already have a power squad?"

"This is different," Becky explained. "This is the power _cheer _squad. It's a sport. Power squad's just a sad attempt the writers made at giving Chantay an actual purpose back when she was on the show."

"Wow," Imogen said. "That does sound totally different. I'm pretty convinced."

Zoe walked up to Becky all, "I would love to be on the team."

"You can't cuz you got gang raped," Becky said.

"Refusing to let people on your cheerleading squad because they got gang raped isn't very Christian," Zoe said.

Becky considered this. "Yeah, but I'm such an uncomplicated, drama-free person that I just can't possibly have you around ruining my life."

"Are you kidding me right now?" Zoe asked. "There is _so _much freaking drama on this show centered around you. You're practically the new Clare, I swear that all they'd have to do is give you a new boyfriend with guyliner and you'd be the same person."

"That's not true!" Becky said. "Stop saying lies!"

"You're dating the brother of the ex-boyfriend who freaking gave his life to try to text you. Your best friend made out with that boyfriend and is lying to you about it. You pretended to be _gay _to get that best friend to like you more than Jack. Oh, and your brother's in jail for gang raping me and your parents don't understand why that makes you uncomfortable around him. You have a _lot _more drama going on than I do."

Becky shook her head. "Nice try, but Imogen would never make out with Adam. She's a lesbian, and even if she wasn't a lesbian, she's not the kind of girl who would creepily stalk a guy who is already in love with a melodramatic, moody Christian girl and try to take advantage of his frustration by hooking up with him."

"Yeah!" Imogen said. "Wait, what?"

"Have you seen Imogen's first couple of seasons?" Zoe asked.

"If I had watched seasons 10 and 11," Becky continued, "do you think I'd date an unrepentant sinning man-whore like Drew?"

"Good point," Zoe said. "You got me."

Later that day, Becky and some random people including that Jack person Imogen is sort-of dating were cheerleading in the gym.

"HEY, BECKY!" Zoe shouted, so that everyone at the pep assembly could hear. "Drew impregnanted Clare!"

The shock of that shocking news sent Becky plummeting to the ground in shock, fracturing her ankle in the shocking process.

"Guess a spot just opened up on the team," Zoe said.

Mr. Simpson sighed. "Where's Mrs. Torres? This is about the time where she should be marching in here to yell at me about how Becky falling was my fault and she's not going to risk her son's life by letting him go to a school where a girl could break her ankle."

"Oh yeah," Drew said. "My mom joined a cult to try to resurrect my brother."

"That is literally the only plausible explanation for why she hasn't had a fit about anything so far this season," Mr. Simpson agreed.

Meanwhile, Miles was all, "Tristan, even though I wanted nothing to do with you when we met, I suddenly find myself viciously attracted to you."

"Okay, wow," Tristan said. "I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my life dating extras. Upgrade!"

Miles nodded in Tristan's direction. "What you don't realize, baby," he said seductively, "is that a lot of people are pissed off that Degrassi effectively killed 1/3 of the trans representation on television. They think that by making a random ass guy go bisexual for you, they can win back the LGBT community."

Tristan had never cared much about the LGBT community, mostly because it didn't concern his hair, body mass, or relationship prospects.

"Oh no," Tristan said. "If I'm dating you, that means I'll get more screen-time. More screen-time means I have to stop acting like an unlikable stereotype who's actually _more _unbelievable than Dave was that time when he was trying to get in character as my boyfriend."

"You can do it, Tris," Miles said. "God, our relationship is like a shitty fanfiction."

"There is NOTHING fanfiction-like about us. By the way, what do you think of EClare? They're totally my OTP."

Miles realized he was late for his father being a rich douche bag, so he excused himself and went home.

"Miles!" his mother shouted with disgust, horror, contempt, and fury. "You _knew _your father was going to be a rich douchebag at 5 today, and you're ten minutes late! This could cost him his entire rich douche bag career!"

So then Miles was all, "I have a boyfriend!"

"Having a boyfriend after you had a girlfriend recently is silly," Miles's dad said. "Bisexuality doesn't exist. The same people who think that condoms are a form of abortion believe that's been scientifically proven."

"Why should I care what those people think?" Miles asked.

"They're the only people who will play golf with me," pouted his father.

"WHO YOU PLAY GOLF WITH IS NOT MY PROBLEM!" Miles shouted. With that, he stormed off.

"MILES, YOUR YELLING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YELLING!" Mr. Hollingsworth shouted.

"YEAH, WELL I DON'T CARE WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YELLING!" Miles yelled. "YOU AND YOUR YELLING CAN GET OUT OF MY LIFE."

Then, Mr. Hollingsworth thought for a moment and concluded that acting like an abusive psycho was the best way to handle this situation. He shoved Miles into the wall.

"GOD, DAD, STOP BEING AN ABUSIVE PSYCHO!" Miles shouted.

"Oh, son, son, son, I'm so sorry!" Mr. Hollingsworth said. "I've never shown remorse for a single thing I've ever done in my entire life but _that _is something I'm super sorry about."

"Whatever!" Miles pouted, storming off to the outside world, where Maya was hiding in his bushes with a pair of binoculars.

"MILES!" Maya shouted, jumping in front of him with her signature pout.

"What, Maya?" Miles asked. "We're broken up. Move on."

"YOU'RE NOT OKAY!" Maya shouted. "TALK TO ME!"

"I don't wanna talk to you, okay?" Miles asked, throwing a lawn chair across the room. "I'm TOTALLY okay," he said, ripping the fire hydrant out of the lawn and throwing it through a neighbor's window. "I'M NOT EVEN ANGRY! This is me being totally fine!"

Maya shook her head. "No, you don't understand! I've dated a suicidal guy before and you're making him look like Pollyanna."

"No one knows who Pollyanna is anymore," Miles said.

"Sure they do," Maya said, getting up in his face and screaming at the top of her lungs. "WHAT'S WRONG? YOU CAN TALK TO ME, OKAY! I'M A TOTALLY NON-THREATENING PERSON TO TALK TO WHO ISN'T JUDGMENTAL OR IN THE LEAST BIT PSYCHOTIC!"

"Whatever," Miles brooded. "You're not my friend. My only friend is Mary Jane."

"God, you have so many girlfriends!" Maya said cluelessly. "I knew you weren't gay."

"I'm bi-freaking-sexual," Miles said. "Does no one know what that is on this show?"

"No," Maya said. "On Degrassi, you're either gay or not into labels. That's just how it is."

The next day, Zoe was being cheer capitan. "Okay, girls. I have a really important announcement to make. In order to get over people sending naked pictures of me around the school without my consent, I'm going to send naked pictures of you around the school without really asking for your consent. Any questions?"

"How is this a good idea?" Frankie asked.

"Because it's a terrible idea that's bound to end in police arresting me for distributing child porn, and that's the kind of bad decision-making that has allowed Degrassi to survive to season 14," Zoe explained.

"Fair enough," Frankie said.

Later, Frankie took a photo of her breasts which her brother downloaded and masturbated to.

"Zoe," Frankie said the next day. "I can't do this anymore. See, my brother is getting off on my hot body and as much as people assume that Miles and I are the new Declan and Fiona, I'm not into incest."

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Such a prude, amirite girls?"

The whole squad, including Jack who you think would be more a feminist given her rantings about heteronormativity, a word which I did not learn until college, agreed with Zoe.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't see how not wanting your brother masturbating over a picture of your breasts is prudish," Frankie said.

"You're off the squad!" Zoe shouted at the girl who was her friend five minutes ago.

So then Drew accidentally told Audra that he got a girl pregnant.

"This is fantastic!" Audra said.

"What are you talking about, Mom?" Drew asked.

"Drew, ever since your brother died, I have had _no _excuse to go to the school and yell at Mr. Simpson. He's been my main punching bag for years now. I can't sit home and knit anymore, Drew."

"I thought you were trying to resurrect my brother," Drew said.

"Yeah, but learning the dark secrets of witchcraft and sorcery only takes up a few hours a week," Mrs. Torres explained. "I _need_ someone new to emotionally abuse for no particularly great reason. Does Clare have a spineless parent I can bitch at?"

"Yeah, I think so," Drew said.

"Good!" Audra laughed maliciously. "Then we're going there RIGHT NOW."

So Drew and Audra went to Clare's house to have the big pregnancy talk.

"GOOD GOD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" Audra shouted. "What in the name of FUCK made you think it was a good idea to have sexual intercourse? I can't _believe _that my son, a boy who went to the boiler room with Bianca while he had a girlfriend and who cheated on Katie with her later, which I know because the video of it went viral, would just up and HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE irresponsibly! This is positively SHOCKING! I had no idea my son was even interested in sexual intercourse, let alone irresponsible sexual intercourse!"

"Stop saying sexual intercourse," Drew pleaded.

Audra did not listen. "My fucking GOD! Clare, what on Earth made you think it was a good idea to have sexual intercourse with my numbskull of a son?"

"I had cancer!" Clare defended.

Audra rolled her eyes. "Cry more, you delusional girl! Having cancer and thinking you were going to die and then suddenly getting a fresh start on life only to find out that the love of your life cheated on you is _no _excuse to make a bad decision."

Clare shook her head. "You're wrong. A few months ago, I thought I'd never have the chance to have a pointless fling with a super-senior who cheated on my best friend sophomore year. Now that I have a second chance at life, I have to take opportunities as they come."

"What the fuck does that have to do with being pregnant at eighteen?" Audra asked. "I am now going to stand here and judge the fuck out of you, you big floozy."

"That's my daughter you're talking to!" Clare's mom said.

"Yeah, well your daughter dated her own step-brother and your other daughter said she was going to Africa but then ran off to join the cast of 90210 instead, so you're clearly an imbecile too!" Audra shouted.

"You know what would be really funny?" Drew asked. "Mom, you should sign up for trading spouses and blow up at someone on reality TV. It'd make us just enough money to support this baby."

"Why would I bitch at someone on national television when the town of Degrassiville has SO MANY PEOPLE I can yell at?"

"Good point," Drew said.

"So, you're definitely raising the baby in this house," Clare's mother said. "It would be really shitty to make the producers build another set after they've been using this one for so long."

"No!" Clare said. "I'm going to New York with Eli! He'll help me raise the baby."

"Isn't Eli some emo kid who crashed his car into a wall over you?" Audra asked.

"Now's not the time to be judging people who crash their cars into walls over girls," Drew said.

"Fine," Audra rolled her eyes, "but when Adam reincarnates, I am going to have ONE HELL OF A TALK WITH HIM. I don't care if he's reborn in a rural village in Zimbabwe, that boy is so grounded."

"This is a Christian household," Clare's mother warned. "I don't like all this talk about reincarnation."

Audra laughed. "Since _when_? I can't remember a single time when any of you people even mentioned being Christian since season 11."

"You're being unreasonable," Clare's mother said.

"OH, _I'M _THE UNREASONABLE ONE!" Audra shouted sarcastically.

"Mom, you're talking about grounding someone who died last summer," Drew said. "You're talking about grounding the _reincarnation _of someone who died last summer. Maybe you should get a massage and try to chill the fuck out."

"I WILL NEVER CHILL THE FUCK OUT," Audra shouted. "If I wasn't shouting all the time, I'd just be another boring old mother on Degrassi like _this _washed out character."

"Watch it," Clare's mother said, without raising her voice at the woman who was losing her shit.

"I'm going to run off and find Eli!" Clare announced.

So Clare did that. Unfortunately for her, the Eli she met was not the Eli she fell in love with in season 10, but the hipster imposter who had the true Eli tied up in a dungeon.

"Eli, I'm pregnant," Clare said, not noticing that Eli's normal hair color means that there's no way he's the real Eli.

"Hold on, I have to talk to Spinner. He's back on the show."

"And I still work at the Dot," Spinner said with an uncomfortable grin. "Isn't that the saddest thing you've heard all day?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Clare said.

"Okay, let me put on my psychotic jerk flying into a rage face real quick," the fake Eli said. He fished that face out of his backpack, then shouted, "OH MY FUCKING SATAN, CLARE. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PREGNANT?"

"It's Drew's," Clare said.

"OH MY FUCKING SATAN, CLARE! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME? I'VE TOTALLY NEVER CHEATED ON YOU, LIKE EVER!"

"Yeah, you have," Clare reminded him.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT, CLARE. YOU'RE RIPPING MY HEART OUT!"

"Oh, go write a play about it," Clare said.

Eli's doppelganger laughed maniacally. "There will be a play, Clare. There will be a _screenplay_! I am going to make a movie about how the evil Clara Edwin ripped Ari's heart out if it's the last thing I do! Only now that I'm a hipster, I'm going to do it _ironically_!"

"Eli, I can't imagine my life without you!" Clare said, for real.

"I DON'T CARE!" the imposter Eli said, for real. "That was pathetic," he frowned. "I'm not being nearly a big enough jerk. God, what would K.C. do in this situation?" Then, it hit fake Eli in a wave of inspiration. "MY LIFE IS BEING HELD TOGETHER BY TAPE, CLARE!" the guy who's way too out of character to actually be Eli shouted.

"That didn't make sense when K.C. said it in season 10, and it makes even less sense now!" Clare responded.

"Well TOO BAD!" the replacement Eli said, before storming off in a huff.

_Will false Eli take Clare back? Will Clare figure out that her Eli is an imposter? Will Becky keep dating Drew, or will she meet some weird Christian kid with guyliner, insist she's not really dating him, then kiss him and have to admit it to Drew in some big dramatic mess? More importantly, will Audra figure out that Adam's not dead, but is actually just tied up in a hipster's basement? Will the writers turn Zoe gay and give her a foe-yay crush on Frankie? Are there way too many fucking characters on this show now? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK OR SOME OTHER TIME WHEN I UPDATE THIS FIC!_


	2. Luke's in Jail and the Baby's not Drew's

In her mother's car, Becky was experiencing a horrifically unpleasant ride to school.

"So," her mother said very casually, "have you given any thought to visiting your brother?"

Sighing, Becky glanced down at her hands, which were clenched together in her lap. "In prison?"

"Oh, now, don't be silly!" Mrs. Baker said, with a dismissive hand-wave. "It's _just _juvenile hall! It's not like he's someplace shameful like a gay rights rally."

Although Becky now had two close lesbian and/or bi friends (Becky wasn't really sure which, and thought it would be rude to ask), she did not think it would be a good idea to challenge her mother on the blatant hypocrisy of completely losing her shit over Adam being transgender while barely batting an eyelash after her own son gang-raped a girl and sent pictures of it to everyone at Degrassi. Instead of arguing with her fundamentalist mother, Becky just said, "I don't want to."

"Oh, but it would mean so much to him!" Mrs. Baker said.

"Have you forgotten that I'm the reason he's in juvenile hall?" Becky snapped at her clueless mother.

Somehow, this did not seem like ample reason for two people to hate each other to Mrs. Baker. "Oh, come now! It's just for two years. That's less time than most people spend at community college! I'm sure he's not that mad at you!"

"Who cares if he's mad at me?" Becky asked, clenching her fists. "He raped Zoe."

"Well, everybody makes mistakes," Mrs. Baker said passively. "He's a teenage boy, I'm sure we can forgive his one little oopsie. I mean, it's not like he kissed another man or came out as transgender or wore something pink."

Now, Becky was livid at the mother who had once been her hero. "Mom, how can you say that? Rape is kind of a big deal."

"Now I know what you're thinking," Mrs. Baker said. "You're thinking that Luke's going to be forced to marry Zoe like it says he should do in the Old Testament, right?"

"No, I just think raping someone is wrong," Becky said. "How is this hard for you to understand?"

"You have nothing to worry about! When I called Zoe's mother to arrange an Old Testament style post-rape wedding, she told me I was a backwards old fundamentalist crack pot and that people like me give real Christians a bad name. So it's settled. Luke doesn't have to get married! See? Water under the bridge!"

The young blonde, who formerly viewed her parents as infallibly good people, was completely speechless. "Mom, you're pretty much a terrible human being, aren't you?"

"Of course not!" Mrs. Baker defended. "I am a cisgender heterosexual woman in a monogamous heterosexual marriage! What could possibly be wrong with me?"

"I gotta go," Becky said, realizing that she needed to find a good excuse to spend as little time with anyone in her family as humanly possible.

Her excuse was conveniently standing right outside her mother's car, wearing eyeliner and handing out band audition papers.

"You're in a band?" Becky asked.

"Well, it's more of a thing where I hire _one _girl to sing with me and then get some huge crush on her which I deny because Jesus. I'm thinking it will make for some great TV angst."

"Whatever," Becky said, taking a sheet. "Sign me up."

Later that evening, Becky did some research into the kind of music a guy like Jonah might like. Somehow, _Kids Bop _and Christian metal didn't cross her mind. Instead, she settled on a song by _The Runaways_ which was in a movie where Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning made out. Fortunately, Mrs. Baker had not seen that movie.

"Is that a heterosexual song?" she yelled up the stairs.

"I think so?" Becky asked.

"Okay, everything checks out!" Mrs. Baker said, as her daughter continued to sing about her sexy Lolita nature.

The next day, Becky sang that in front of Jonah.

"Wow," Jonah said. "Oh my Godiva, that was fudging terrible."

Becky frowned. "Are you sure?"

"No," Jonah scratched his head. "Actually, cheeseless crust, Becky, I think that might've been butter frosting awesome."

"The weird conservative replacements for swear words are kind of annoying," Becky said. "You don't do that in the show."

"But for the love of firetrucks, Becky, it makes my character way more interesting!"

"Good point," Becky said.

Meanwhile, Zoë was selling cupcakes so no one would think she was selling muffins on the internet. While she was doing that, she got a creepy Pretty Little Liars style doll.

"Oh look, there's a note," Zoë observed.

"I'm still here bitches, and I know everything. – A."

"Oh my god!" The other cheerleaders were freaked out to see that the creepy villain from Pretty Little Liars was now attacking Degrassi characters.

"So who's 'A' in Degrassi-verse? Adam?"

"Don't be ridiculous! Adam's dead. It must be Hunter," Zoë announced.

"Why would Hunter be mad about boobs?" Lola asked.

Without taking the time to stop and think about this, Zoë decided to threaten Hunter because why not? Fortunately for her, he was in the middle of drawing a cartoon where she and all her friends get shot.

"I look so cute as a disposable murder victim!" Lola squealed.

"If you don't stop sending us texts, we'll send this comic to the police who will totally care about the creepy fan art you're making of us," Zoë said.

"Why would they care about that?" Hunter asked. "This is just some ploy to get Arlene to go out with me."

"Never again, loser!" Zoë shouted.

The next day, Imogen accidentally said, "I love you" to Jack.

"Uh, thanks," Jack said.

Imogen ran to the only person she could trust to give her reliable and sane relationship advice, her ex-boyfriend Hipster Eli.

"Why are you asking me?" Hipster Eli asked. "I'm a total douchebag these days."

"I know," Imogen pouted. "I just figured you'd know why Jack doesn't love me."

"Maybe you should ask Jack that."

Imogen rolled her eyes. "Well that's the strangest idea I've ever heard, but okay."

So then Imogen went to talk to Jack. "Why don't you love me?"

"Look, we should break up because I'm not into this whole monogamous thing."

"You're not?" Imogen asked. "Dude, not cool."

"I'm not going to apologize for refusing to be a part of the heteronormative patriarchal bullshit known as monogamous romance, okay?" Jack asked irately.

"I'm not asking you to apologize for heteronogamy and patrioamory!" Imogen shouted. "I'm just saying that if you weren't interested in monogamy, it would have been really great if you had mentioned that _before _we started dating."

"Whatever," Jack said.

"Okay fine," Imogen said. "I'll be polyamorous too and get back together with Eli."

"Sounds like a plan," Jack said.

So then Imogen went back to The Dot. "Eli Goldsworthy, I don't want to have sex with you, but will you go out with me?"

Somewhere else in the coffee shop, Dallas yelled, "DON'T DO IT, MAN! Your girlfriend not wanting sex is a fate worse than death! It's total proof that she isn't into you anymore and that your relationship is over."

"God, Dallas, really?" Alli asked. "Didn't I already go through this with Dave?"

"Well yeah," Dallas said. "If there's one thing I've learned at Degrassi, it's that being an entitled jerk about sex is the only way to have a good relationship. Also that if a girl doesn't want to have sex with you right this minute, it means she hates you and wants you to be eaten by alligators."

"Why are you behaving exactly like Leo did at the beginning of season 13 and expecting that to be sexy?" Alli asked.

"Uh…cuz I'm the love child of Leo and Dave."

"I never thought of it that way before, but I think you may have a point," Alli remarked. "I 100% believe that you are Leo and Dave's child sent back in time to try and succeed with the girl they both struck out with."

Hipster Eli decided to tune them out so he could focus on Imogen. "Look, I'd love to cast you in a play and use you like a manipulative douche bag again, but my next offensively realistic play that dehumanizes Claire needs some fresh talent. I'm thinking maybe that neon-haired Lola girl can play Clare and that weird new emo Christian guy who's in a band with Becky can play me."

Then, Drew walked into the place and started going ballistic. "BECKY'S IN A BAND WTH A BOY? OH NO! BOYS ARE THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE CRUSHES ON BECKY AND SHE'S TOTALLY MY GIRLFRIEND AND THAT COULD POSSIBLY MEAN THAT SHE'S GONNA CHEAT ON ME."

"When Adam worried I'd cheat, I broke up with him and mailed back his cut up flowers," Becky said. "But since that indirectly led to his death I'm going to be a lot less hard on you for not trusting me on a basic level."

"Okay, cool beans," Drew said.

Then, they kissed.

"You should come meet my grandma," Becky said.

"Is she anywhere near as disturbing and sexist as your parents?" Drew asked.

"Oh, fifteen times as bad," Becky grinned. "So be on your best behavior and don't mention you got someone pregnant."

So then the two of them walked into Becky's grandmother's house. "HI BECKY'S GRANDMOTHER!" Drew shouted. "DID YOU KNOW I GOT A GIRL PREGNANT?"

"Drew, I can't BELIEVE you!" Becky said.

"Let's break up," Drew responded. "Wait, no, hang on."

Drew left to go get some liquid that Becky could pour all over his shirt to release her frustration and anger. "Here you go," Drew said. "Apology smoothie."

"Well now it's a breakup smoothie!" Becky shouted, throwing the drink at Drew and predictably getting it all over his shirt.

From the dungeon where Hipster Eli was holding him hostage, Adam whispered "thank God."

"Okay, how are we going to get out of here?" Eli asked his fellow captive.

"You got me," Adam said.

Four hours later, the boys managed to untie themselves and climb out a loose window, which they pried open with some pliers left lying around in Hipster Eli's basement.

"Great," Adam said, looking out across the giant field they found themselves in, once they escaped. "Now where the hell are we?"

Meanwhile, Clare and Drew were at the doctor's office where the doctor was all, "Clare, I need to tell you something. Degrassi girls are notoriously incapable of determining how long they've been pregnant for, which means Eli's the father of your child."

Not listening, Drew shouted, "I'M GONNA GO BUILD A CRIB!"

So then, Clare went to school where Ali was like, "I'm ready to have sex with Dallas."

"The last time you were ready to have sex with someone, he screwed up," Clare said. "Then, the time before that, he also screwed up. Maybe you should just stop telling guys you're ready to have sex with them."

"God, what has you in such a bad mood?" Ali asked.

"Oh y'know," Clare said casually. "Too much homework. The baby's Eli's."

"THE BABY'S ELI'S?" Ali demanded. "You really should tell Drew."

"Nah," Clare responded.

So then Ali told Dallas who told Drew.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD DREW!" Ali screamed at Dallas later. "I am so not having sex with you now."

"Because I told a dude he wasn't the father of the child he's building a crib for?"

"Yes," Ali said. "Exactly that."

So then Ali and Clare walked away from Dallas and went to The Dot where Hipster Eli was busy ignoring Clare.

"Hi, Eli," Clare said. "I'm here to tell you that…"

"I don't care, you whore!" Eli screamed.

Surprisingly, no one reprimanded Eli for calling a customer a whore, which by the way is totally unrealistic in a workplace environment since I was freaking reprimanded for telling a coworker not to act homophobic simply because some old people might not like lesbians back at my old restaurant job, and someone else was reprimanded for referring to a cleaning towel as a "rag" because the word "rag" is supposedly unappetizing. That said, Spinner has all but disappeared to leave 100% of the work to the new guy who's probably barely through training yet.

Mr. Simpson overheard all that. "Oh, Clare, you're not a whore! You're just like my wife. Y'know. The woman who married _me_. So see? You'll be fine!"

Clare raised an eyebrow. "It's totally weird that you're comparing me to your wife when Darcy almost got you arrested under false charges of sexual harassment."

"Yeah, true," Mr. Simpson acknowledged, "but it's gonna be okay."

So then Clare had a nightmare about being on Teen Mom with Mr. Simpson as her husband. "OH CRAP I GOTTA GO TO COLLEGE!" Clare realized, as college is the only way to avoid marrying Mr. Simpson.

_WILL CLARE AVOID MARRYING MR. SIMPSON? WILL ELI AND ADAM RETURN TO DEGRASSI LAND? WILL THE POWER CHEER SQUAD GO DOWN FOR SPREADING NUDE PICTURES ALL OVER SCHOOL? WILL ANYONE ACKNOWLEDGE HOW FUCKED UP IT IS THAT ZOE IS SELLING NUDE PICTURES OF GIRLS WHO DON'T WANT THEIR NUDE PICTURES TO BE SOLD WHEN SOMEONE VIOLATED HER IN A REALLY SIMILAR WAY LAST YEAR? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK OR WHENEVER I UPDATE THIS FIC AGAIN!_


	3. Drecky Gets Competition and Maya Worries

**A/N: This chapter is long, I know. Hope you don't mind!**

When we lost saw the real Eli and his supposedly-dead friend, Adam, they were both imprisoned in a hipster's dungeon, being forced to watch the atrocities of season fourteen unfold on a giant, dusty TV screen. To say the two boys were miserable would be an understatement. At night, they slept on uncomfortable, unevenly stuffed cots on the ground. During the day, they sat on lawn chairs because Hipster Eli's parents had not bothered finishing their basement or bringing real furniture down here. The two boys yearned for the days of yore when lumbar support was a thing. If there was one small consolation for semi-fallen transgender hero, Hipster Eli thought it would be ironic to take good care of Adam's medical needs despite having kidnapped him, which meant that Adam was allowed to continue using male hormones and physically transitioning.

"Adam, why do you have a beard?" Eli asked.

The not-really-dead but still slightly injured boy sighed, wishing he could wave a magic wand and make everybody understand transgender issues so that he wouldn't have to exist as a walking encyclopedia of trans-ness. "I stole it from a homeless guy," he said flatly. "I'm kidding, I went on testosterone."

"Cool," the real Eli said.

Nodding, Adam stroked his unattractively long beard. "If they ever let us out of here, I'll shave this damn thing and ask Becky out on a date, now that she's done dating my brother."

Hipster Eli waltzed in, laughing maniacally. "Oh, foolish boy. How silly you are. You _think _that just because Becky poured her breakup smoothie all over your brother, the atrocity known as Drecky will die peacefully."

A frightened Adam stared wide-eyed at the evil hipster who stood before him. "Yeah, I kind of did."

The hipsteriffic imposter laughed a terrifying, booming laugh that echoed through the tiny basement. "You fool!" he shouted, like a cliché villain. "You think your little girlfriend is safe, but little do you know, a new love interest is headed her way. A _nauseating _love triangle between your brother, your ex-girlfriend, and a Christian punk rocker is emerging. Believe me, little boy. This love triangle will be so poorly written and full of character inconsistencies that will make you actively _nostalgic_ for that thing where Fitz found Jesus and tried to win her over by making some dopey apology to Eli and then telling Clare that his soul wanted to bang her soul and that was why his love was more purer than Eli's because Eli doesn't have a soul."

The real Eli sat dumbfounded, unsure of what to say. Similarly, Adam could barely process the horrible nature of what Hipster Eli was saying. When he finally spoke, it was to confirm his dreaded suspicion. "You're going to show me, aren't you?" Adam asked numbly. "You're going to make me watch this entire thing play out just to humiliate me."

"Do you dare view the horror that is unfolding at Degrassi?" Hipster Eli sneered.

"Do I have a choice?" Adam asked.

"Haha no!" Hipster Eli said. "Which is ironic, considering that you ought to have a choice about what you watch on television."

"Enough with the irony!" Adam pleaded. "I'm begging you, stop."

"I will _never _stop," Hipster Eli said, "which is ironic considering how annoying it is."

With that, Hipster Eli turned on the television so that Adam could watch Becknah or Joecky (Jokey?) unfold.

Jokey (that is the only way to name their ship, I've decided) was hanging out in the professional recording studio they just have stashed away somewhere in the Degrassi building despite not having enough money for the cheerleaders to buy uniforms without selling their bodies (since, after all, Degrassi clubs definitely do not have adult sponsors who suggest stuff like selling wrapping paper and chocolate instead).

Before giving Jokey a moment, in traditional Degrassi format, the camera panned over to a completely unrelated character's completely unrelated plotline.

As Clare was drifting off to sleep, she heard tapping against her window. Rolling over in bed, she tried to tune out the noise and sleep. Much to her chagrin, it just kept getting louder.

Clare sighed, wondering who was trying to randomly break into her house this time. That Adams guy from season 7 who Darcy sold nude pictures to for cheerleading before it was cool was probably on some kind of sex offender registry and was unlikely to hit the same house twice. Fitz hadn't been on the show for seasons, and it wasn't raining which meant that he couldn't dramatically show up in her doorway looking like a serial killer. Eli was a hipster now, so there was no way he'd perch himself in her tree all Edward Cullen-like to watch her sleep, either. Clare was truly stumped.

Groggily, she slid out of bed and went to the window, where she found herself face to face with Mrs. Torres. "Let me in right now! I have a few words to say to that baby of yours!"

Worrying that Mrs. Torres would fall out of the tree, break a limb, and sue the Edwards family for the damages if she didn't help out, Clare let Mrs. Torres in. Pointing an angry finger at Clare's baby bump, Mrs. Torres started to shout.

"I've just about had it with you, mister!" she shouted at Clare's unborn child. "My son spends an entire night building a crib for you, and how do you repay him? You're in here goofing around developing from an embryo into a fetus using _Eli's _sperm instead of my son's!"

Clare stared at Audra in disbelief. "My son can't help who he's related to."

"Oh, save it!" Audra screamed. "He _chose _to be Eli's so that evil demonic EClare fan ninjas from The Boring Point wouldn't strike him down the moment he was born!"

For those who did not read _Degrassi, The Boring Point: A Parody, _written under my old account, the evil demonic EClare fan ninjas are these very loud creatures that ship EClare so hard that they attack any and all threats to EClare (including Clare herself sometimes) and trap them in dungeons.

"You know, that's not entirely a bad thing," Clare said, remembering the traumatic time when she was trapped in a fanfiction hospital with Atlantanea, the charming Mary Sue with crystalline blue eyes and the pure soul of a fairy princess unicorn swan maiden angel thing, all because some demons thought she was trying to derail EClare. "Do you really want evil demonic EClare fan ninjas to kill my son? Didn't you join some kind of cult to resurrect Adam?"

Degrassi's favorite angry PTA parent ignored what Clare just said in favor of pointing at her baby and shouting. "Thanks to your _insistence _on throwing away my son's DNA like last week's garbage, I now no longer stand a _chance _of being re-cast as your grandma in season 35 when Degrassi is definitely still on and you're starting your freshman year of high school. Do you realize what that does to me, you little jerk? Of course not! No one does!"

If Clare were a normal teenager, she would most likely be shocked and horrified about the fact that a woman just climbed through her window and started yelling at her unborn baby. Clare, however, was not a normal teenager. She was the kind of teenager who once helped another girl dress up like her so that Eli would be tricked into making out with her, finally leaving Clare the hell alone. She was also the kind of teenager who left a guy who crashed his hearse into a wall over her for a more stable and mature relationship with her step-brother who rescued her from a drug trafficking cult she met at a nice local bookstore, only to go back to Eli and temporarily ignore the fact that she had cancer to have sex at prom like all the cool Degrassi kids do. No one should ask why on Earth Mrs. Edwards believed Clare was going to Alli's after prom because that will just make your head hurt.

Anyway, Clare was also the type of teenager who survived a very deadly cancer in one summer and then mysteriously got pregnant months later, despite using protection and despite giving this big righteous speech a couple seasons ago about how she was better than Jenna because at least she managed to get through high school without having a baby (still technically true, because Clare's going to still be pregnant at graduation). After all of that, Mrs. Torres climbing Clare's tree and yelling at her unborn baby was about as shocking to Clare as your typical everyday things like running out of Kleenex, at least one person surviving a terminal illness every couple of years, or a guy getting into a car accident over his love for an emotionally distant Christian girl (which was becoming incredibly common these days).

"Please get out of my house," Clare said in a daze. "It would be super nice of you to just go now and not make me have to spend all night convincing you."

Much to Clare's dismay, it actually did take all night to convince Mrs. Torres to go home. Mrs. Torres is the type of creature that doesn't need to sleep, and there was nothing on TV that night. By the end of that, Clare was exhausted and not in the mood to listen to one of Alli's repetitive and predictable stories about how some guy made her feel pressured to have sex and then completely blew their entire relationship by doing something that they could have probably worked through if they actually had decent communication skills.

"Oh my _godddddddd_," Alli whined. "I can't _believe _that Dallas made me feel pressured to have sex and then completely blew our entire relationship by doing something that we could probably work through if we had actually decent communication skills. How can this have happened to me?"

"Because this always happens to you. This is literally the _only _thing that happens to you anymore," Clare observed, "and it makes no sense, because last year you almost cured breast cancer. Take it from someone who nearly died of cancer last summer, curing cancer is a lot more important than having sex with Dallas."

Alli considered this. "Yes, but there might be another guy whose genitals are more important than cancer, and I'm afraid that if I don't find him by the end of the season I'll be off the show before I can find true love."

"I can't believe you just said 'another guy whose genitals are more important than cancer,'" Clare said in disbelief.

The scene changed back to the one where Adam and Real Eli (Reali?) were being forced to watch Jokey not happen but still slightly hint at how it's going to happen by insisting that it will never happen, because holy shit. Adam groaned as the Christian boy with the flippy punk rock hairdo appeared on screen.

"He's just a gender-flipped Darcy who looks like Marco with Eli's hair and a dash of Fitz-like Christian guy trying to derail an established relationship going on," Adam pouted.

Hipster Eli laughed, "which makes it super ironic that he's going to become the show's new heartthrob any second now."

"You look really depressed lately," Jonah said.

"How can you tell?" Becky asked.

"Well it's just that every single thing you owned used to be yellow to symbolize how your character is really happy and cheerful, only lately you've been wearing a lot of blue, symbolizing sadness," Jonah explained. "Is there something on your mind?"

Becky sighed. "My brother wants me to visit him, only he's a rapist and that makes me really uncomfortable."

Because Jonah is the most understanding person in the whole entire world, he looked at her with lovey, understanding eyes and sighed. "Oh, Becky," he said in a not-romantically wistful way because Jesus helped him stop wanting to date girls which is strange considering how uber Christians are usually a lot meaner to guys who _don't _want to date girls but I digress. "I don't know what to say about that," Jonah said. "What I do know is that I'm totally not just listening to you because I'm secretly in love with you."

"I never said you were," Becky defended.

"No, no, let me explain how I'm not going to try to have sex with you until later when your morals get affected by some horrible new shocking event in your family and you have to question everything you hold dear like Clare had to when her mom had sex with her boyfriend's dad," Jonah said. "If you entice an unmarried maid to lie with you, then you must marry her, unless the father refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay him the going price for virgins. You see what I mean?"

"Is that from some creepy decree from the Dark Ages I'm not historically savvy enough to know about?" Becky asked.

"Exodus 22:16," Jonah said.

"Oh," Becky said. "Why are you quoting creepy parts of the Bible at me?"

Jonah smiled awkwardly. "I just want you to know that I'm definitely not secretly lusting after you because there is no way in Hello Kitty I can afford your virgin dowry."

From the dungeon where they were being held, Eli and Adam groaned miserably. "There's no way she's going for that guy," Adam said bitterly. "I hope."

The two friends continued to watch this ill-fated show.

Just then, Drew burst through the door. "I HEARD NOISE THAT SOUNDED LIKE A GUY TALKING ABOUT SEX IN THE ABSTRACT WITHIN FIFTY FEET OF MY EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO I DUMPED TO BE A DAD BUT NOW AM DOING NOTHING TO GET BACK DESPITE THE FACT THAT I NO LONGER AM GOING TO BE A DAD."

Jonah laughed pleasantly. "Cheese and rice, Drew. I'm not trying to do sex with your girlfriend!"

"Yeah?" Drew demanded, cracking his knuckles. "Why should I believe that?"

"Because," Jonah said. "Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

"Well, that's judgmental," Drew said.

"No it's not!" Jonah argued. "It's Matt 5:27:28."

Becky frowned. "Do neither of you remember that Drew's not my boyfriend anymore?"

"Holy scissors, Becky! You should have let me remain ignorant of that fact. Don't tempt me with your salacious sexitude. I used to be some really bad partier guy who did drugs and had sex with a billion people but then some tragic and mysterious thing happened that made me give my life over to Jesus. Hearing that you might be single makes me way too butter frosting lustful and I'm just not in the mood to commit adultery in my heart today."

"Twenty bucks says that's actually what Jonah's deal is," Drew giggled.

"You're on," Becky said.

"I need to spend the next sixteen hours reading scripture purify myself now," Jonah said.

"Sounds fun," Becky cheered.

The two of them did that, starting from Genesis, and started to lose track of the numerous people being talked about once all the begotting and begetting began.

Feeling very inspired by that very uplifting Bible read-through, Becky chose to go visit her brother. When she went in to see him, he stood up in his orange suit and smiled.

"Oh, Becky, it's so good to see you! I want you to know that I FORGIVE YOU!"

"Forgive me?" Becky asked, feeling incredibly confused. "For what, exactly?"

"You know," Luke said. "For getting me arrested!"

"For participating in gang rape," Becky said. "I did the right thing by turning you in."

"Yeah, well, morality is subjective," Luke groaned.

Ignoring her brother's blatant hypocrisy, Becky glared at him and continued her lecture. "Also, how stupid are you? You seriously _recorded _the whole thing and freaking smiled at the camera, then sent it to the whole school like that wasn't going to backfire! While you were at it, you might as well have held up a note card with your name, address, and social security number with the hash tag 'arrest me' so it could go viral on Twitter, and then texted the whole thing to Dave's dad who's the only cop in Degrassi-land! You are one of the dumbest criminals ever."

Luke shrugged. "You got me."

"So, Luke," Becky said, "I just want you to know that if you're never in another episode, it'll be too soon."

With that, Becky walked out the door to the car, where her mother was waiting expectantly.

"Did you forgive him?"

"Uh no," Becky said.

"Will you ever forgive him?" Mrs. Baker asked.

"He's not even sorry," Becky said. "Even Jesus asks for at least that much."

Meanwhile, Imogen was very concerned about Jack hooking up with someone other than her, so she rushed to the dance studio where Jack teaches.

"HEY, JACK AND A BUNCH OF TODDLERS!" Imogen screamed. "I LOVE YOU! Well…uhm…not the toddlers. Just Jack. Not that I don't like kids, but you get what I mean. I AM IN TOTALLY MONOGAMOUS LOVE WITH YOU AND WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES."

The children looked at each other, confused. "Ms. Jack, why's there a girl yelling about her love for you?"

"You're in love with a girl?" another kid asked curiously.

"Are you a lesbian, Ms. Jack?" a little girl asked.

"What's a lezzy bean?" another kid asked.

"I think it's a kind of chair," someone said.

"Nuh uh!" another kid said. "The chairs are La-Z Boys."

"Ms. Jack is a La-Z Boy?" another kid asked. "But she's a girl."

This is what would have actually happened if Imogen burst in and declared her love for Jack in front of a bunch of tiny children. It was actually pretty remarkable that they all stayed quiet throughout that scene.

"Okay, wow," Jack said. "This is a tiny bit embarrassing. Can you maybe leave and then we can have this conversation when I'm not at work?"

Imogen frowned. "No, Jack. I'm not leaving here until you admit that you're not really polynogamous and you're just scared of intimacy."

"Well, suggesting that polyamory is just a phase that people go through when they're too afraid to love is incredibly problematic and upsetting," Jack said, "but seeing as how there is literally no one on this show for me to date besides you, I guess I'll end up de-facto monogamous anyway, so why not?"

The next day, Imogen saw some guys looking at pictures of boobs. "OH MY GOD THOSE ARE BOOBS!" Imogen shouted.

"A little louder," Jack said. "I'm not sure the whole school heard you."

Imogen got out a loud-speaker. "OH MY GOD, I JUST SAW BOOBS!"

"I was being sarcastic," Jack said.

So then Mr. Simpson showed up. "Those are what?"

"BOOBS, MR. SIMPSON!"

Mr. Simpson just got this deadpan look of a man who has been thoroughly defeated by the drama at that school.

"Again?" Mr. Simpson shook his head. "Well the last time a bunch of Degrassi students sold nude photos, it was some cheerleading…ahem…spirit squad which later became power squad, which is now apparently power cheer squad fundraiser, so it's probably Zoë who did it."

Zoë gasped. "Simpson knows! It must be Frankie's fault!"

"Or it could be because Keisha's probably the only black girl at Degrassi, and she's been doing, it so by process of elimination it has to be us," Jack should have reasonably observed, but didn't.

So then Zoë went up to Frankie all, "you're back on the team."

"I am?" Frankie asked cheerfully. "That's great, because you know what? I don't have even a little bit of hostility or resentment toward you for forcing me to take nude photos."

"That's great," Zoë said. "Now that that's water under the bridge, please take all your clothes off in front of me while I hold this camera."

"Sure, no problem," Frankie said.

Then, Zoë took a picture.

"I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING FROM A MILE AWAY!" Frankie shouted.

"Sarcastic comment," Grace said, as she sarcastically walked by.

"Insecure loser comment," Zig said.

"Even more sarcastic comment that's slightly mean to Zig but actually a lot meaner to Zoë," Grace responded.

"Defensive comment!" Zig wailed defensively.

"Can you guys stop making sarcastic comments and get out of the girl's locker room?" Frankie asked.

While this was going on, Miles was doing a bunch of drugs.

"Tristan," Winston said worriedly. "I think Miles is doing a bunch of drugs."

"Like, nuh uh, no way," Tristan said. "I'd like _know _if my boyfriend was doing a bunch of drugs."

"But he is doing a bunch of drugs," Eric protested.

"You have no evidence," Tristan replied.

"I seriously saw him open a plastic bag labeled 'a bunch of drugs,' take the drugs out of that bag, then put drugs in a piece of paper, roll up said piece of paper, and then light the thing on fire while inhaling the fumes. How much more evidence do you need?" Winston asked incredulously.

"You're just jealous!" Tristan shouted at his boyfriend's one and only friend who isn't an ex.

So then Miles showed up. "I'm so high right now," he giggled.

"Miles, are you high?" Tristan asked.

"Oh, you too Tristan?" Miles asked, his face full of disappointment. "I can't believe you think I'm on drugs! Geez, why would you think that?" Miles came back a few hours later in a sexy uniform. "Does this make up for it?"

"Totally," Tristan said. "Except no because you made me fail my history project and that's a super lousy thing to do. Honestly, why do Degrassi teachers even assign group projects anymore? Don't they get that this is always what happens – people get paired with their boyfriends and girlfriends and then stuff gets real and nothing gets done?"

"Well, I'm going home," Miles said, avoiding the question..

Meanwhile, Maya went to see a therapist for her obsession with Miles.

The therapist sat calmly in her chair and said, "tell me what's going on, Maya."

"I'm worried that Miles is being abused by his psychotic father," Maya said.

"Have you tried breathing exercises?" the therapist asked.

"How is that going to help me make sure that Miles isn't being abused?"

"It isn't," the therapist said simply, "but you can't change Miles, you can only change yourself."

"Shouldn't you be reporting the fact that I know a guy who's related to three underage people is an abusive, short-fused lunatic to social services?"

"Meh," the therapist said. "Let's talk about coping techniques. Have you tried meditating? That can help get your mind off of having friends whose fathers like to break furniture."

"No, seriously," Maya said. "Therapists are supposed to be mandatory reporters, at least in America and probably in Canada too, so why are you hearing everything I'm saying and doing absolutely nothing?"

The therapist shook her head. "Do you think Seroquil would help?"

"NO!" Maya shouted with frustration.

That appointment wasn't very helpful, so Maya left in a bad mood and went to go hang out with Miles. The two of them got in a car, and because Miles is a cisgender straight guy who didn't need to walk around with a cane for dramatic effect, he sustained no injuries from making bad decisions behind the wheel but did hit Dallas's car, which made Mr. Hollingsworth flip shit even though he can afford his own private pool and could probably buy an entire lot's worth of cars to make it up to Dallas.

"GOD I AM ANGRY!" Mr. Hollingsworth yelled angrily. "MILES, YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU." He then punched his fist through a wall, leaving drywall crumbs all over his forearm. Once he realized he punched something, Mr. Hollingsworth went into What Have I Done? Mode. "Miles, oh geez, I didn't mean that, I'm super sorry." He then threw a bunch of stuff across the room at Miles. "Oh gosh, did I just throw things at you? Well I meant to just um…gently toss things at you. I'm so sorry this got so out of hand."

Not buying that business, Miles immediately went to tell his mother.

"Mother, I have something to tell you. See, Dad just wrecked our entire living room and called me a piece of shit and said he hated everything about me."

Mrs. Hollingsworth looked skeptically at her son. "I see. What was the context for him wrecking our entire living room? Did you say something mean to him?"

"It doesn't matter what I said," Miles said. "I could've said I worship Satan and want to roast babies and he still shouldn't have broken the entire living room over it. Dad has a problem."

"Well, I kind of just think breaking the living room is how a regular, decent father deals with his son being bisexual and occasionally smoking weed and having a little academic trouble," Mrs. Hollingsworth said. "You've got to put these things in context."

"De Nile, Mom," Miles said. "Not just a river in Egypt."

Mr. Hollingsworth went into the kitchen to harass Miles some more. "Gotta go!" Mrs. Hollingsworth said, skedaddling before anything happened.

"Miles, you are messing up my WHOLE campaign, you hear me? My WHOLE CAMPAIGN!" He picked up a chair and threw it at the microwave. It bounced off the gas stove and hit off a burner, which now glowed above steady blue flames.

"How am I doing that, Dad?" Miles asked.

"Because it turns out that you're bisexual and you smoke weed. See…people are going to see that and think I'm a bad father," he said, taking all the glasses out of the cabinets and throwing them all at the stove, just to watch the glass explode over the hot burner. "Oh gosh, I'm sorry son," he said, continuing to throw glass around the room. "I didn't mean to do any of that," he said, throwing another glass. "I didn't mean to throw that one either. If I throw any more, I definitely won't mean those either."

"If the press finds out you keep breaking shit in your house over your loose cannon temper, you'll look like an even worse father," Miles said.

Mr. Hollingsworth ripped the stove out of the wall and threw it out the window, and the paparazzi went ballistic taking photos of the thrown stove. "Come outside with me," Mr. Hollingsworth said. "We have to fix this. Oh, and I didn't mean to throw the stove out the window. That was an accident."

The two of them walked outside. "Mr. Hollingsworth! Tell us why a stove just flew out your window," a reporter pleaded.

"Well," he said, creepily putting his arm around Miles, "I recently bought a new 2015 stove model, and it turns out the artificial intelligence on these things might just be a bit too intelligent. It got a mind of its own and started yelling about death to all humans and machines taking over the world, so I heroically leapt between my helpless bisexual son (who I love even though he's bisexual) and the evil stove and ended that monster just in time to save the child I had who grew up to kiss boys, which is not a thing that I am ashamed of at all, nor is it something I'm just pretending not to be ashamed of to get the gay vote. I'm just oh so very glad he wasn't hurt."

"HE'S A HERO!" the press shouted.

"I hate you!" Miles shouted, storming off. "Go die and get out of my life."

"HE'S AN EXCELLENT FATHER!" the press shouted.

Just then, Maya confronted Miles. "I think you're hiding something from me," she said. "The stove didn't really attack you, did it?"

"Go away!" Miles said. "You don't know anything."

"But I know that face," Maya said. "That's the face of someone who wasn't nearly killed by a stove."

"Oh yeah?" Miles asked. "What do you know about faces?"

Then Tristan showed up. "You wanna do normal stuff that boyfriends do together?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE, TRISS!" Miles shouted.

"Yeah but now I'm worried about you too," Tristan said. "I kinda don't believe the stove attacked you either."

"Well fine!" Miles brooded. "Then I'm super mad at you!"

"There are people who are only watching this flipping show because we started dating," Tristan hissed. "Are you really just gonna throw that all away over me asking you to get help?"

"What if I am?" Miles pouted.

_WILL MILES FIGURE OUT THAT IF TRISTAN IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO HIM THAT HE WAS WILLING TO RISK ANGERING HIS ABUSIVE RAGE-OHOLIC FATHER TO BE WITH HIM, HE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T START IRRATIONALLY HATING HIM OVER SHOWING SOME DECENT CONCERN FOR HIS WELL-BEING? WILL MATLINGSWORTH BECOME A THING AGAIN, THUS CEMENTING MILES' IDENTITY AS "THAT GUY WHO GETS IN LOVE TRIANGLES" AND MAYA'S IDENTITY AS "THAT GIRL WHO ONLY DATES GUYS WHO LIKE HER, THEN DATE SOMEONE ELSE, BUT STILL HARBOR FEELINGS FOR HER?" WILL JACK GIVE HETERONOGAMY A TRY? IS HETERONOGAMY EVEN A REAL WORD, OR DOES IMOGEN JUST NOT UNDERSTAND QUEER POLITICS? FOR ANSWERS TO MOST OF THESE QUESTIONS, TUNE IN NEXT TIME (WHICH WILL BE AT SOME POINT)._


	4. Adam's Alive and Hipster Eli is Awful

A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long to post this update! I have been busy. I hope you enjoy.

It was another bright, sunshiny day at Degrassi, and our hero, Mr. Simpson, was busy work trying to put an end to Degrassi Nudes. He feared that if he did not get this situation under control before Mrs. Torres found out, she might hire Satan to eat his soul. This was stressful for the middle-aged man who had to run an entire school and still find time to help his wife and child cope with being invisible. The two of them had been invisible ever since season ten, when Emma started working on creating an energy-efficient fuel alternative in her bedroom. Fourteen-year-old Connor tried to help, and their combined inexperience with world-changing science caused both Spike and Jack to disappear. Now, only Mr. Simpson could see them. This is why they are never on the show anymore, despite being mentioned regularly.

"Hi, sweetie," Spike said, an affectionate grin on her invisible face. "I came to drop off your lunch."

Just then, Winston peeked through the glass into Principal Simpson's office and saw nothing except for a floating paper bag and screamed, "This school is haunted!"

High heels clicking against the tile, Zoë stepped in front of Winston. She crossed her arms at her chest, rolled her eyes, and gave her expensive new scarf a dramatic flip. "Of course it's haunted. Did you not see that Degrassi mini in season 8 where Rick possessed Holly J?"

Now, it was Winston's turn to roll his eyes. As a nerdy young boy with a bright academic future, he knew quite a bit about the validity of Degrassi minis. "Everyone knows that Degrassi minis aren't canon."

"Exactly," Clare said, arriving late to the conversation. "My sister would never kiss Paige."

Just then, Mr. Simpson emerged from his office. Everyone froze. "There are things about your sister that you might not know, Clare," he said, shuddering at the memory of that sexy snake she drew him when she was trying to seduce him. "By the way, Zoë, thank you for not dealing with your assault by hitting on me and trying to get me fired. It really means a lot to me."

"Any time," Zoë said with a camera-worthy smile.

"Listen, Clare," Mr. Simpson said. "I'm so glad you're here. We need to plan an assembly."

Drew turned round the corner. "We don't need an assembly. I hate assemblies!"

"Why do you hate assemblies?" Zoë asked. "You're the prez! You get to be the center of attention!"

The buff young super-senior shook his head. "Last year, there was an assembly where everyone saw a video that was taken of me at a party where I got really drunk, was in my underwear, and then ended up in a sexual situation I didn't remember the next day!"

"So…exactly like what happened to Zoë?" Winston asked.

"COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!" Drew argued.

Principal Simpson rolled his eyes. "We don't need to talk about what happened last year."

"That sounds like a double-standard," Zoë said. "The best way to solve those is with gratuitous nudity."

Winston looked between his strange companions with shifty eyes and then made an excuse to leave. "Hey, I just remembered I was supposed to go do an excuse to leave. Bye."

"Let's just focus on making this assembly uh…better than that one," Drew suggested.

Principal Simpson smiled. "Excellent plan, Drew. I'm calling this assembly to find out who's responsible for Degrassi Nudes."

"Well, duh, it's the cheerleaders," Clare said matter-of-factly. "What? Last time there was a Degrassi fundraiser involving child porn, my sister was behind it. She was on power squad."

Although Mr. Simpson shared the vice president's suspicions that the people selling their bodies on an iPhone app (Android version coming soon!) were predictably the cheerleaders, so far he did not have proof.

"I'm sorry, Clare. False allegations are serious biz. We have to be sure before we go forward with anything."

"Mr. Simpson," Zoë said with a deeply affected 'pity me' voice. "Can I speak at the assembly?"

The poor principal who was forever stuck on the television show he joined in the 80s, probably sometime before many of the show's current viewers were even born, shrugged. "Considering you and your friends are my only suspects so far, I'm a bit worried that you're just doing this to make yourself look good."

Zoë started to cry crocodile tears. "Oh, but Principal Simpson, I believe that it is the gravest of all grave injustices when people take naked pictures of girls without their permission and then send those pictures to other people."

"You mean like you're gonna do to Frankie?" Lola asked unwisely.

"Lola, shut up!" Keisha said.

Feeling sorry for Zoë, and a bit personally responsible for not being able to curb the violent instincts of his students, Mr. Simpson displayed his 'why not' face and said, "of course you can speak."

_DNYUH WUDDEVER IT_

_AH CAN THIS THING_

_AH-AH-AH-AHHHHHHHHHH_

_I CAN MAKE I-ITTTTTTTT!_

_WHADDEVER IT TAKES_

_I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!_

The day of the assembly had arrived, and Imogen was on pins and needles to discover whose breasts she had seen on someone else's iPhone in the middle of lunch.

"Can you just drop it?" Jack asked angrily.

"No!" Imogen shouted. "I must stand up for all of woman-kind!"

"Well STOP," Jack said. "All of woman-kind doesn't need you like I do."

"Wait," Imogen turned to face her treacherous Jezebel of a girlfriend. "You did this?"

"Well, not just me!" Jack said defensively. "It was sort of the cheerleaders."

"So that's why you could afford all new equipment," Imogen observed wisely.

"Dude, how did you even know we got new equipment?" Jack asked. "Didn't Zoë return it to buy us all wallets? Hmm…now that I think of it, it's kind of wrong to buy someone a present using money you got from cam-whoring them out to other people but I'm getting way off topic here."

Imogen shook her head. "I just want to know why. How could you do this to me?"

This would have been a great time for Jack to mention to Imogen that her ability to take part in power cheer squad and have plotlines that did not directly involve their relationship was on the line if she chose not to send pictures of her breasts to random boys. If she had told Imogen that, Imogen probably would have stopped being mad at Jack and instead gotten angry at Zoë, someone who cares a lot less about Imogen's opinion of her than Jack does. Jack, however, chose not to go that route and instead went this route.

"Look, I don't care who sees my boobs!" Jack said.

"So when you flashed me your boobs it didn't mean you loved me?" Imogen asked, feeling more confused than she could handle.

Jack shook her head. "Taking your shirt off doesn't mean you're in love."

"It doesn't?" Imogen asked cluelessly.

"Does the time when Drew took off his shirt at that party in _The Boiling Point _mean he was in love with literally every Degrassi viewer on the planet? Hell no! The actor playing him just knew it would be good for ratings, so the show made him do it! His Adonis-like chest? My boobs? Same difference!"

Imogen shook her head. "You CHEATED ON ME, YOU CHEATING CHEATER WHO CHEATED."

"Cheated on you?" Jack asked incredulously. "How is sending naked pictures of myself to random strangers cheating on you?"

"Sexual acts begin in the mind," Clare said in passing.

"Because your naked pictures are supposed to have eyes only for me," Imogen said.

"Okay, that's just…I don't even know," Jack said.

Imogen started crying and ran off to The Dot where Hipster Eli was waiting for her, ready to give sage advice.

"What's wrong, my former stalker slash ex-girlfriend who planted drugs on Clare for me only to get thrown out like nothing until her ex-girlfriend convinced me to date her at which point I sold my dad's guitar to buy a camera for and might have turned gay?" Hipster Eli asked brightly.

Imogen sighed, slumping against the counter Eli's imposter was working at. "Oh, the usual. Jack's selling pictures of her boobs. What should I do?"

Hipster Eli was no therapist, but he sure did have some reasonable advice. "Dude, if Clare sold pictures of her boobs I'd be so mad I'd probably write a play about it," Hipster Eli said, pretending to scrub a counter so people would believe he actually had a job there besides just standing around waiting to be Imogen's impromptu therapist.

"Let's write a play," Imogen said, with a devilish grin.

The next day, Imogen put up flyers literally everywhere (including on people's faces because it's Imogen and she has to do something weird every now and then) encouraging people to try out for the part of Clarence Edwina, a character whose resemblance to Clara Edwin is purely coincidental, a brooding film student named Elijah Silversworthy, the evil lesbian temptress, Mack, a bright young lady named Emma Ginn, and a loser named Dreau (not to be confused with Drew because this play is totally not based on people from Eli's actual life; it's original work, OMG).

As always happens when Degrassi holds auditions for things, a bunch of absolutely terrible actors showed up to audition, just to make the last guy look good by comparison.

"My name's Winston," Winston said. "I'm here to try out for the role of Elijah."

"Oh my God," Hipster Eli said, banging his head against a table.

"My best friend's dating Tristan and my girlfriend's dad kind of broke her entire house yesterday, so I can't go over there to hang with her. I got nothing better to do," Winston said, picking up the audition sheet and adjusting his glasses to read it better. "Clarence, you uh…ripped my heart out and threw it on the ground and stepped on it?"

"You're asking me?" Hipster Eli asked. "Where's the PASSION? Where's the drama?"

"I'm sorry, man," Winston said. "Just…who wrote this stuff? It's terrible!"

"You're looking at him, wise guy," Hipster Eli said.

Winston sighed. "Guess I'm out."

The next person to audition was Mr. Hollingsworth. He walked through the door wearing the blackest business suit he owned, some of Frankie's eyeliner, and an ugly black wig. Although the aging millionaire thought of wearing combat boots, he didn't have any, so he instead wore tall black horseback-riding boots over his suit.

"Hey there, kids," he said with a flashy campaign smile and a friendly wave. "I'm auditioning in order to get more involved in the school. I figure that'll be enough to show everyone what a good father I am."

Hipster Eli rolled his eyes. "Dude, aren't you like forty? You can't show up here acting like a teenager and expect to be taken seriously."

"TELL THAT TO SPINNER," Mr. Hollingsworth belted.

"I heard that!" Spinner shouted all the way from The Dot.

"Come on, let me read for Elijah! Please?" Mr. Hollingsworth batted his eyelashes. "I'll be your best friend!"

"Let him try," Imogen said. "It'll be funny."

Mr. Hollingsworth went center-stage all, "CLARENCE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR LITTLE HEART-RIPPING MANEUVER HAS COST ME?" For dramatic effect, he grabbed a nearby rack of costumes and threw it across the room. "Oh, Clarence, I'm so sorry! I…I didn't mean to do that."

"You're not supposed to be sorry," Hipster Eli said. "I'd never say 'I'm sorry' for something that was totally my fault."

"YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT AND THREW IT ON THE GROUND!" Mr. Hollingsworth continued, undeterred. "THEN YOU STEPPED ON IT! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU STEPPING ON MY HEART HAS DONE TO MY CAMPAIGN?"

Hipster Eli nodded pensively. "That actually wasn't bad."

"We still have to give the other guy a chance," Imogen said, motioning toward the auditorium door, where a certain shaggy black-haired Christian punk rocker was waiting nervously for his chance to shine.

"Hi," Jonah said. "I'm Jonah. I'm here to read for Elijah."

"You want to be Elijah?" Hipster Eli asked, quite surprised. "Why?"

Jonah beamed. "I love names that come from the Bible."

The eleventh-grade Christian boy picked up an audition sheet. "Oh crums, Clarence! You removed my heart, and that honest to Gobstoppers hurt my feelings!"

"A little angrier," Hipster Eli said. "Can you do it?"

"OH CRUMS, CLARENCE! YOU SOMEWHAT AGGRESSIVELY REMOVED MY HEART, AND THAT HURT MY FEELINGS! You threw it right on the gosh darn ground and then you proceeded to step on it. It's going to take me weeks to get that footprint stain off my heart. I want an apology, Clarence."

"I liked it," Imogen beamed.

"Are you insane?" Hipster Eli asked. "Mr. Hollingsworth is obviously our guy! He acts just like I did back in season 11."

"Yes, but back in season 11 you started a fire on stage and just started yelling random crap at the audience in the last scene," Imogen said. "Do you really want that done to your work when it's not even you playing yourself this time?"

"Elijah is not me," Hipster Eli said. "This is ART we're creating here!"

"We'll let you know," Imogen said.

The auditions for Clarence came next. In walked a middle-aged woman with frumpy brown curls. She looked like someone who maybe could have played Clare back in the 70s. "May I try out?" Mrs. Dawes asked, looking way too excited about the idea.

"Well, you could, but…" Hipster Eli sighed.

"You don't get to kiss Eli!" Imogen exclaimed. "He's not playing himself this time."

Mrs. Dawes looked uncomfortably at her former student. "So…who are you casting, Eli?"

"It's down to Mr. Hollingsworth or Jonah," Imogen said matter-of-factly. "That's who you'd have to kiss."

Mr. Hollingsworth smiled creepily at Mrs. Dawes, liking the thought of ruining someone else's marriage for a change.

"On second thought, I have papers to grade," Mrs. Dawes said, skedaddling so fast it wasn't even funny.

The next person to audition was Lola. "I just want you to know that I'm totally willing to do a nude scene if you want," Lola said. "In fact, if you give me your number I'll take off my bra right now."

"Are you the one behind Degrassi Nudes?" Hipster Eli asked.

"Why would you think that?" Lola asked cluelessly.

Imogen smiled wickedly. "You're no Clarence Edwina, but I think I may have just the role for you. Welcome aboard. You'll play the evil lesbian, Mack."

Lola's eyes widened with shock. "I'm a lesbian? But I'm straight."

"It's called acting!" Eli shouted. "Are you in or not?"

Lola rolled her eyes. "Fine."

The last person to audition, predictably, was Zoë. Everyone before the person who gets it always has to be terrible. She strutted up to the stage with attitude and said, "Elijah, did you just flip a switch and erase me from your mind? Did our four seasons together mean _nothing _to you? DID YOU EVER LOVE ME AT ALL?"

"PERFECT!" Hipster Eli yelled, giving her a standing ovation.

"This is terribly written," Zoë said, "but my manager would be mad at me if I didn't audition."

"You're in," Hipster Eli said.

It was settled. Jonah and Zoë would be portraying EClare on stage.

"Our evil Mack needs an Emma Ginn to date," Eli reminded his partner. "Should we let the next girls in?"

Maya nervously walked through the door. "I'm not here because I _want _to be here," she said dryly. In truth, she was there because her therapist thought that being in a play someone was putting together for revenge would help her cope with the fact that Miles did weed. "Give me the sheet."

Imogen handed Maya the audition sheet and smiled. She had never seen someone pretend to be her in a revenge play before. It made her feel oddly special.

"I just…broke up with my…" Maya's eyes widened, "_girlfriend_…but that's okay. There's someone new. His girlfriend doesn't like me, but that's alright. It's…not…her that I…uh…wow, that I want."

Grace made a slow clap as she entered. "Yo, Matlin! Let me show you how it's done."

"You're trying out?" Maya asked incredulously. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It gets me out of detention," Grace said. "I found out five minutes ago, so here I am."

"Give it a try," Imogen said.

"I just broke up with my girlfriend," Grace said.

"DOES THAT MAKE HER AVAILABLE?" Zig shouted from the air vent. "That cheerleader you asked out was hot!"

Grace shook her head. "Shut it, Zig, I'm trying to act. That's okay. There's someone new. His girlfriend doesn't like me, but that's alright. It's not her that I want."

Grace's performance received a standing ovation. "Bravo, bra-freaking-vo!" Imogen cheered.

"I made it?" Grace asked. "Cool. Gets me out of detention. Who am I playing?"

"My girlfriend," Lola said cheerfully.

"Yo, I'm not playing Lola's girlfriend," Grace said in disbelief. "I don't hate detention that much."

"Well, take 24 hours," Eli suggested. "If we don't hear from you, Maya gets the job."

"Who should play Dreau?" Imogen asked Hipster Eli.

"I know just the person."

Tristan came in. "You wanted me to audition?"

"Yes," Hipster Eli said. "I was thinking you were just the person to play an ass I have to cast."

"Why does everyone cast me as a donkey?" Tristan demanded. "I can play serious roles."

"Yeah?" Zoë snapped. "Cuz right now you look like you can't do anything."

"Fine," Tristan said. "I'll read for the donkey."

Not realizing that Hipster Eli was not talking about a literal donkey when he said "ass," Tristan read it like this:

"Clarence, I'll never be anything more than your rebound, and I deserve better than that. Eeee-awwwwhh! Still, it would suck not having you in my life, so let me know if you want me to make spaghetti or something. Eeee-awwwwwhh!"

"LOVE IT!" Hipster Eli beamed.

"Oh, that was just SMASHING!" the new drama teacher said. "Bravo, mate! What a brilliant performance! I daresay I'm gobsmacked by your talent! I'm British!"

Meanwhile, back in the creepy basement where the real Eli and Adam were being held hostage, the real Eli started to cry. "I made a stupid mistake," Eli said. "I'll admit it, _Love Roulette _was a really mean thing to do to Clare. Still, I don't get why this hipster dude has to throw it all in my face like this."

Adam sighed. "Are we going to try to break out of here or what?"

"Adam, you're brilliant!" the real Eli said. "We should break out of here and then you can save Becky from dating Jonah and I can save Clare from uhm…"

"Having another guy's baby?" Adam asked. "You can't save her from that. It's kinda too late."

"I don't care if it was my evil doppelganger who got her pregnant, I'll still be the best father in the world," Eli said. "Seriously. I will give him all 8,000 of the stuffed animals in my room. He won't know what hit him. I will be _so _unbearably clingy, that child will never feel deprived of anything."

Adam sighed. "It's your life. How do we get out of here?"

Unfortunately for the real Eli and Adam, they're the B plot which means that every couple of minutes, we have to cut them off mid-thought to focus on some drama going on somewhere else in the school.

"Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, non-binary folk, and Mrs. Torres who is somehow always in this building," Principal Simpson said. "I've gathered you here to talk about a very important issue. It has come to my attention that another child porn ring has started at Degrassi. I've got to tell you folks, I'm getting real tired of those. Everyone who's involved will undoubtedly end up on the sex offender registry forever and be arrested for distributing child porn. As soon as you come forward, you will immediately have your life ruined beyond your worst nightmares. Now that I've said that, I expect the culprits will reveal themselves in no time! Come on forward and admit your wrongdoing. What can go wrong?" Principal Simpson sighed. "I'll give you a cookie. Come on, just confess already. Please. I am so tired of having to worry about texted pictures of people's breasts, you don't understa-ha-ha-nd! Zoë, take over before I lose it."

Zoë did that. "It is wrong to send naked pictures of other people around the school. See, we can be heroes or we can be villains," Zoë said. "Heroes like Hunter shoot cheerleaders to save Arlene, and villains like Zig download our boobs. Okay, I lied, there are no heroes. This school is filled with criminals and sociopaths and we all know it. Look at it this way, guys. There's free porn on the internet. EVERYWHERE. Stuff that shows more than just boobs. Why on Earth would you risk getting in trouble for buying child porn when you could just look at all the eighteen-year-old boobs you want on Tumblr for free and not go to jail? Honestly, no one at this school is smart."

The entire school realized Zoë had a point. Just then, someone texted literally everyone in the entire room including Principal Simpson. After all, at the beginning of each school year, students are given literally _everyone's _phone number just on the off-chance that they feel like sending viral nudes around school. The text showed pictures of Zoë and Lola naked.

"Zoë, my office, now," Principal Simpson said.

Ten minutes later, Zoë was out of Principal Simpson's office, pretending like the whole thing never happened. No one exactly knew how she managed that until they got on Facerange and saw a big huge gossip group blaming Frankie for literally everything.

"Wow," Imogen frowned, browsing the page on her laptop. "It was really cruel of Zoë to make something like this."

"She didn't," Hipster Eli admitted. "I did."

"But why?" Imogen asked.

"Zoë's playing Clarence! I couldn't let her go down over a stupid sex scandal."

Meanwhile, Frankie was sitting in a hotel suite with her family while construction workers rebuilt the entire downstairs.

"Isn't this nice?" Mr. Hollingsworth asked gleefully. "You could choose to dwell on the negative aspects of this situation, like how I destroyed our entire house, but I'm choosing to look on the positive side of things! We get to stay in this cute hotel as a family!"

"STOP pretending like things are nice when they're not!" Miles shouted.

Before Mr. Hollingsworth could break the fancy hotel room's TV, he received a phone call from someone who was all, "I think your daughter is involved in a child porn ring."

"Frankie," Mr. Hollingsworth said. "Have you been involved in human trafficking lately?"

"What?" Frankie asked, incredibly shocked. "No."

"Have you been selling child porn?" he asked.

"Look, I only did it once!" Frankie defended. "It was just a picture of my boobs."

Mrs. Hollingsworth gasped. "OH MY GOD I'M SHOCKED! I cannot even BELIEVE you would send high school boys pictures of your boobs! What kind of floozie does things like that?"

The whole family stared blankly at her while crickets chirped.

"You?" Frankie asked.

"Oh, right," Mrs. Hollingsworth said. "I forgot about season 13."

Mr. Hollingsworth had gone thirty whole seconds without shouting and was tired of it. I'm sorry, Frankie, but I don't believe in second chances," he said. "Sure, it's fine that I'm cheating on Mom and broke the entire downstairs of our giant mansion, but all this bisexuality, this comic art, this weed, this _nudity_? Unacceptable! Frankie, you march down those stairs RIGHT NOW and tell the entire world you're a sex offender."

"But Dad…"

"NOW, FRANKIE!" Mr. Hollingsworth shouted.

Frankie went down the stairs, as she was told. The hotel's front entrance was barricaded with reporters. Feeling daring, she shook her head and escaped out a back door. In a block or two, she found herself on a crooked sidewalk, in a neighborhood full of crumbling brick houses.

"Damn it," Frankie said under her breath. "There's no one I can stay with who won't call my dad. What am I going to do for food?"

Just then, Zig happened to skateboard in front of her. "Hey," he said.

Frankie gave him a blank look. "How did you get here?"

He shrugged. "I used the Degrassi portal that puts people exactly where they need to be to impart wisdom on younger students."

"Oh," Frankie nodded. "That makes sense."

"Want me to teach you how to squat?" he asked.

"What, you mean like to defecate in the woods?" Frankie asked.

"NO, no!" Zig said. "Eew. I mean, break into abandoned houses and use their shit. Figuratively speaking."

"Oh," Frankie said. "Okay."

The two of them scoured the neighborhood for a while until they found a house with banged up windows and overgrown weeds. "This one," Zig said, pointing. "You can tell no one lives here by the upkeep. Or lack thereof."

Frankie sighed. "Guess I'm staying here, then. What if I get caught?"

"Then you run," Zig advised.

The two of them climbed through a back window together. Frankie felt a rush of adrenaline pulse through her as they entered. "That was easier than I thought," Frankie said.

Just then, the two not-friends heard thumping in the basement. "What was that?" Frankie asked.

"I don't know," Zig said.

"Crap, someone's up there!" they heard a voice say.

"Maybe they can help," the other voice said. "It doesn't sound like the kidnapper."

"Kidnapper?" Frankie asked.

Cautiously, the two schoolmates walked toward the basement door, shaking with nerves. Then, the door burst open and out walked Eli and Adam.

"Adam?" Zig asked. "I thought you were dead."

"I get that a lot," Adam said.

"Nice beard, though," Zig said. "And Eli, how did you get here? I just saw you at The Dot."

"That's my evil doppelganger," Eli said.

"Oh," Zig said. "I can accept that."

"I need you to keep this a secret though, okay?" Eli asked. "Clare has to find this out from me."

"You're worried about you?" Adam asked. "All you have to do is tell Clare you have an evil identical cousin. I have to explain to people how I survived multiple rib fractures, head trauma, and incredibly horrible looking bloody makeup."

Eli had no idea what to do, so he called Imogen. "Hey, Imogen, I need a favor."

"How are you calling me, Eli? I see you washing dishes from where I'm sitting."

"That's not really me," Eli said. "I need you to just believe that an imposter has taken my place and Adam and I have been kidnapped in someone's basement all this time. Can you do that?"

Imogen shrugged. "Why not?"

"No one can know Adam's alive yet," Eli said. "Not even Becky."

"So you're telling her best friend, why?" Imogen asked.

"Because I'm really, really reckless," Eli said. "Anyway, we need to borrow some of those unattractive wigs you lent Clare when she had cancer. Do you have any that would work on a guy?"

"All I have is a clown afro," Imogen frowned.

"It will have to do," Eli said. Just then, he noticed that the kidnapper's keys were conveniently on the kitchen table. "Jackpot!"

"Hey," Zig said. "There is _no _way I'm getting in a car that either of you is driving."

"Hey!" Eli said. "Lay off me! I'm not a bad driver; I crashed into that wall on purpose!"

"Oh, that makes me feel a lot safer," Zig said sarcastically.

"Lay off me too," Adam said. "I was texting. I won't do that this time."

They put it up to a vote and decided that Adam would drive. He turned the keys and started to move the car. Just then, it started raining cars. Adam jerked the steering wheel to dodge one that was pummeling toward the ground.

"Jesus Christ!" Eli said. "It's like they _want _you gone!"

An evil wizard stood outside and laughed. "Hahahahaha! I have you now, Adam! Daytime TV will _never _have a trans character with a happy ending. NEVER!"

"Remember how I said I wanted to have _one _plotline that had nothing to do with me being trans?" Adam asked.

"Yeah," Eli said.

"This is why."

Cars continued to fall from the sky, but Adam managed to dodge them because he wasn't on the phone. By the time they reached Imogen's house, the street looked like an action movie was just filmed on it.

"Geez, why are there a bunch of banged up cars all over the place?" Imogen asked.

"A wizard wants to kill me," Adam said matter-of-factly.

"Adam!" Imogen said, throwing her arms around him. "I can't believe you're alive."

He headed into the house. "Let's see," Imogen said. "One pair of ugly glasses, I popped the lenses out, and one ugly clown afro. Perfect disguise!"

"I am not wearing that," Adam said.

"Dude, you won't look like a girl," Eli argued. "Plenty of guys have clown afros."

"I'm not worried about looking like a bearded lady," Adam protested. "I'm worried that I'll look stupid."

"There's no time to worry about that!" Imogen said. "Just put it on. We have a play to go crash!"

_WILL THE REAL ELI WIN BACK THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND STOP HIPSTER ELI FROM MAKING DOCUMENTARIES OF EVERYTHING HE SEES?_

_WILL BECKY FREAK OUT WHEN SHE SEES ADAM AND ASSUME DEMONIC FORCES ARE AT PLAY, OR WILL SHE TAKE HIM BACK?_

_WILL MRS. TORRES GROUND ADAM FOR A MILLION YEARS?_

_WILL ZONAH KISS IN ELI'S HORRIBLE PLAY?_

_WILL SOMEONE STOP HIPSTER ELI FROM PRODUCING HIS HORRIBLE PLAY?_

_WILL FRANKIE HAVE TO CONFESS TO ALL OF DEGRASSI NUDES?_

_FIND OUT AT SOME POINT!_

Three weeks later, it was opening night, and Principal Simpson still had not caught whoever was behind Oomph Chatting. That was okay, because Becky was incredibly excited to see what the boring and talentless Hipster Eli had produced. Zoë was excited


End file.
